To my liberal, unsaved, non-Christian friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
To my conservative, saved, Christian friends:
Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year!
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
So sorry to bother you, Senator...
Excuse me, Sir, my name is Columbo.Ah . . . Sorry to bother you Mr. Obama, Sir. . .
Excuse me Mr. Obama, I mean Senator Obama, Sir. Um . . . I know you're busy and important and stuff. I mean running for president is very important and -- ah -- I hate to bother you Sir. I will only take a minute. Ok Sir?
See, I have these missing pieces that are holding me up, and I was wondering sir, if you could take time out of your busy schedule and help me out. You know... no big deal, just some loose ends and things.
Hey, you have a nice place here! The wife sees houses like this on TV all the time and says boy she wishes she had digs like this you know?
Oh, sorry Sir. I didn't mean to get off the track. So if you could just help me out a minute and give me some details, I will get right out of your way. I want to close this case and maybe take the wife to Coney Island or something. Ever been to Coney Island Sir? No? I didn't think so.
Well, listen, anyway, I can't seem to get some information I need to wrap this up. These things seem to either be "Not released" or "Not available." I'm sure it's just an oversight or glitch or something, so if you could tell me where these things are -- I -- I have them written down here somewhere -- oh wait. Sorry about the smears. It was raining out. I'll just read it to you.
Could you please help me find these things Senator?
1. Occidental College records -- Not released
2. Columbia College records -- Not released
3. Columbia Thesis paper -- Not available
4. Harvard College records -- Not released
5. Selective Service Registration -- Not released
6. Medical records -- Not released
7. Illinois State Senate schedule -- Not available
8. Illinois State Senate records -- Not available
9. Law practice client list -- Not released
10. Certified Copy of original Birth certificate -- Not released
11. Embossed, signed paper Certification of Live Birth -- Not released
12. Record of your baptism -- Not available
Oh, and one more thing Senator, I can't seem to find any articles you published as editor of the Harvard Law Review, or as a Professor at the University of Chicago. Can you explain that to me Sir?
Oh but, hey -- listen! I know you're busy! If this is too much for you right now -- I mean -- tell you what. I'll come back tomorrow. Give you some time to get these things together, you know? I mean, I know you're busy.
I'll just let myself out. I'll be back tomorrow. And the day after. . .
What's that Senator? Who wants to know these things?
We the People of the United States of America. You know... the ones that vote.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
`Twas the Night Before Elections
'Twas the night before elections
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions all up and down!
I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
Tired of political crap.
When all of a sudden
There arose such a noise
I peered out of my window
Saw Obama and his boys
They had come for my wallet
They wanted my pay
To give to the others
Who had not worked a day!
He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink
He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!
" On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, On Pelosi"
He screamed at the pairs!
They took off for his cause
And as he flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!
So I leave you to think
On this one final note-
IF YOU DONT WANT SOCIALISM
GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions all up and down!
I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
Tired of political crap.
When all of a sudden
There arose such a noise
I peered out of my window
Saw Obama and his boys
They had come for my wallet
They wanted my pay
To give to the others
Who had not worked a day!
He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink
He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!
" On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, On Pelosi"
He screamed at the pairs!
They took off for his cause
And as he flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!
So I leave you to think
On this one final note-
IF YOU DONT WANT SOCIALISM
GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
NEW QUANDRY: Another choice in titles for Biden
Well, he did it again.
If you will remember, I was presented with a dilemma about what to call Joe Biden.
I had originally christened him “Ditto” Joe due to his illustrious writing and speech expositions.
Then, due to Biden’s mangling of the facts regarding FDR, 1929 and Television, I granted him the moniker “Wikipedia” Joe.
Now This!
“Wiki/Ditto” Joe has obviously been given the clairvoyance of a tabloid soothsayer. So now, I have been burdened with applying new title.
I came up with this:
NOSTRA-BIDEN!!!
Good golly! I am going to run out of creative juices. I certainly hope that this will pacify the guy who wants to be “America’s #2.” (Oh, no! NOT AGAIN!)
If you will remember, I was presented with a dilemma about what to call Joe Biden.
I had originally christened him “Ditto” Joe due to his illustrious writing and speech expositions.
Then, due to Biden’s mangling of the facts regarding FDR, 1929 and Television, I granted him the moniker “Wikipedia” Joe.
Now This!
“Wiki/Ditto” Joe has obviously been given the clairvoyance of a tabloid soothsayer. So now, I have been burdened with applying new title.
I came up with this:
NOSTRA-BIDEN!!!
Good golly! I am going to run out of creative juices. I certainly hope that this will pacify the guy who wants to be “America’s #2.” (Oh, no! NOT AGAIN!)
Friday, October 17, 2008
Politically relevant definition of the day
EPISTROPHE - the realization by an intellect of its remoteness from the One.
“From the moment Barack Obama came upon the national scene, Scott from South Cackalacky was overwhelmed by an EPISTROPHE.”
“From the moment Barack Obama came upon the national scene, Scott from South Cackalacky was overwhelmed by an EPISTROPHE.”
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
The thought process of Robert Byrd
Senate President Pro Tem Robert Byrd: "Obama for President! (he'll get shot by one of my fellow klansmen, Biden ascends, but he'll get shot because he's an idiot, Nancy Pelosi ascends, She's just plain nuts so I'll beat her to death with the copy of the constitution I have in my pocket and then it'll be PRESIDENT ROBERT BYRD!!!)
Friday, October 10, 2008
SNL Watch – 10-9-08
SNL Watch – 10-9-08
Finally, this Thursday night special edition of SNL’s Weekend Update was even funny!
Look, we all know that Lorne Michaels and most of the cast lean left. But I really appreciate their efforts on last nights show.
There really wasn’t any bias either way, and everyone from all sides got cracked on.
And I found myself laughing a good bit at some great humor!
Kudos to Seth Meyers and Amy Pohler for having fun and letting us have fun as well!
And yes, I STILL think the Sandlers are “people who should be shot.”
Finally, this Thursday night special edition of SNL’s Weekend Update was even funny!
Look, we all know that Lorne Michaels and most of the cast lean left. But I really appreciate their efforts on last nights show.
There really wasn’t any bias either way, and everyone from all sides got cracked on.
And I found myself laughing a good bit at some great humor!
Kudos to Seth Meyers and Amy Pohler for having fun and letting us have fun as well!
And yes, I STILL think the Sandlers are “people who should be shot.”
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
SNL's crassness with modern politics
So, I decided to give SNL one more chance to keep the humor as unbiased as possible and to keep the tactless attacks on Sarah Palin’s family out of the fun.
The parody of the VP debate was going brilliantly with both sides getting an equal amount to ribbing. This was starting to show that it could be fun again until there was 3:40 left in the clip. That was about where the “unwilling teenagers” jab was given.
Incest, and now this?
I thought at least it could remain fun for everyone…especially the candidates and their families. Bush, the elder used to enjoy Dana Carvey’s take on him and took the jabs in stride.
This is supposed to be a show where comedy can say to our national leaders what we don’t always get the chance to and in fun. But any American that would openly attack the Palin family the way SNL does has lost any sense of tact or taste.
Now, on the positive note, the C-Span Bailout clip was spot on! I commented on another blog that I wouldn’t be surprised to see the actual people act that way and say those actual words.
The parody of the VP debate was going brilliantly with both sides getting an equal amount to ribbing. This was starting to show that it could be fun again until there was 3:40 left in the clip. That was about where the “unwilling teenagers” jab was given.
Incest, and now this?
I thought at least it could remain fun for everyone…especially the candidates and their families. Bush, the elder used to enjoy Dana Carvey’s take on him and took the jabs in stride.
This is supposed to be a show where comedy can say to our national leaders what we don’t always get the chance to and in fun. But any American that would openly attack the Palin family the way SNL does has lost any sense of tact or taste.
Now, on the positive note, the C-Span Bailout clip was spot on! I commented on another blog that I wouldn’t be surprised to see the actual people act that way and say those actual words.
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